2020A nifty bachelor’sthe buffet


A nifty bachelor’s

Friday, 21 February 2020

Put this together for a World of Warcraft enthusiast friend a while back.

Not pictured: the yellow questgiver exclamation mark (attached to an alice band), a small clear flip-file he added the quest pages to as he progressed, a giant warlock staff which he won at paintball (enabling the spells), the rules for Crash (a simple exponentiation-based push-your-luck game), the Fifth Element quiz, and the South African context alluded to in the jokes.

The itinerary was paintball, food & drinks at the house, Crash and more drinks, reminiscing and more drinks, table tennis (featuring a real Capetonian), and more drinks at a modestly scuzzy club.

01-friendly-faces 02-troublesome-interlopers 03-trustless-tryst 03-trustless-tryst-2 03-trustless-tryst-3 04.5-letter 04-a-plea-to-compassion 04-a-plea-to-compassion-2 04-a-plea-to-compassion-3 05-chance-takes 05-chance-takes-loss 05-chance-takes-win 06-tales-of-friendship 07-well-groomed-threat 07-well-groomed-threat-win 08-the-female 08-the-female-win 09-elemental 09-elemental-win all_spells businessman-1 businessman-2 curse-of-doom hellfire man-people man-people-2 map shadowbolt

the buffet

Sunday, 2 February 2020

by way of analogy let's say you're at a buffet and at this buffet is the most incredible range of delights that you have ever encountered the variety of food is superb and the sheer amount of food is the most that you've seen in your lifetime there are salty spicy funkadelic breakfasts which include eggs and bacon grilled tomatoes and sausages mushrooms and the remaining courses that cover the entire spectrum there is rich deep umami flavour there are hulking slabs of dead animals there's lentil and chickpea dishes flavours from every corner of the earth and the desserts are just as impressive every combination of fruit and sugar and pastry is represented in every possible form some have crispy sugar shells and the pastries come in thick and dense and solid and summery and light and crispy and wavy

and there's a chocolate cake

really who made chocolate cake

not too much sugar lots of cocoa all the right ratios so the deal with this buffet is that you can eat as much as you want or whatever you want and you won't get fat it won't mess with your metabolism at all you can just have the experience as much as you want as little as you want you get to choose do you know what you would do how much do you like food like most people you might reasonably suggest that you would sample the variety despite the variety being so close to infinite that the distinction is irrelevant you might spend as much time as possible exploring maybe you'd find a couple of favourite dishes and go back to them quite often because you really like what they did there and then you would balance the time that you chose to spend at this buffet between maybe your favorites and exploring new things et cetera but now we get to the hard questions so how much time would you spend at this buffet overall because time you spend here is time you're not spending on the rest of your life talking to your friends spending time with your parents or your children and learning skills exploring cultures and ideas having sex and playing sports doing community activities mastering your profession and contributing to society and helping people and being helped by people you can't do any of that at this buffet you just eat so what would you do would you spend an hour a day at the buffet would you spend 5-minutes a day at the buffet would you spend 18 hours a day at the buffet the buffet doesn't actually nourish you and you still have to survive in the real world so you still need to figure out a way to stay housed watered fed in reality and this is where things start to get difficult you might become really compelled by this experience and forgo your normal life to partake of this garden of delights as your primary activity as a human do just enough in the real world to get by and pour the rest of yourself into this buffet and that's well that's the trade-off you win some and you lose some some bright souls will actually forego the buffet completely and not have to deal with this agony but here is where it gets really strange imagine if you had an incredibly specific

hankering for chocolate cake

and I mean completely irrational the combination of chocolate and sugar and a slightly starchier sugar just completely broke your mind and drove you to desire more of it to the exception of anything else this buffet is already quite an intense thing if you're gastronomically inclined right it's gonna tempt you to use it to the exclusion of anything else in your life but

if you are this person for whom chocolate cake

is the most transcendental perfect nail on the head experience that you can have as a person what is your life going to look like what is your time spent at the buffet going to look like mostly it goes like this you sit down in front of the chocolate cake and you eat and you eat it for hours and because your digestive system isn't involved what we're really talking about is however the brain processes pleasure and depending on how resilient you are psychologically this can go on I'm talking

20 years of chocolate cake

and being only very slightly marginally less enthused by each successive slice but your world is gonna change shape you're going to have

a chocolate cake shaped world

you gonna stop caring about everything and everyone else in your life you're going to

dream about chocolate cake

and if you're not currently eating it really the only thing you're gonna be thinking about is when you're gonna start eating again see while the buffet put you at risk of being a very one-dimensional person you could occupy a space that at least had some variety because food is a very interesting art form and it comes in such wide varieties whereas

the chocolate cake oh how the chocolate cake destroyed you

whatever artistic or novelty based merit there may have been in exploring the buffet has now been lost down a well of cocoa and sugar and a bit of egg a bit of flour because you've become this the strange diamond agent this very simple routine hell-bent on one thing and that is living out your loop in which

the chocolate cake goes in your mouth

over and over and over and foreseeably this is the rest of your life no matter how long it happens to last because

the chocolate cake is still the most interesting thing

in your life because you had that little flavour that little twist in your brain that made that combination not just twice as good as custard but four or five times as good because remember you'll start off curious yet at some point you become so

invested in this chocolate cake

what I am saying about your world changing shape is you kind of forget that other things exist you make this your new reality and it quickly becomes irrelevant whether you might actually enjoy some jelly for a change because the last two hundred times you came

you had the chocolate cake

and you're going to have it again